The Newborn

Today, while at a client's house, I had the opportunity to hold her newborn baby girl, just 6 days old and for the first time in years, I didn't feel the sorrow and envy the way I had in the past whenever I was around a baby.  I cradled her tiny body in my arms, almost completely enveloping her and rocked her side to side as I stood talking to her mother...in a matter of only two or three minutes, she was going to sleep.  I felt a peace and a real joy looking at her with her beautiful Phillipino features, talking to her and watching her eyes slowly closing as she was drifting off.  She was absolutely gorgeous with her soft brown skin, full pouty lips and pug nose...I could've just held her all day.
I struck up a conversation with her mother-in-law who was visiting and found that she'd just recently retired from teaching Physics for a University for 27 years.  I apparently dropped a bomb on her when I told her that I liked studying Quantum Mechanics and various natural laws.  She looked at me with amazement and said "Really?!"...yes, really.  Do I just "look" that dumb that I couldn't possibly have an interest in anything so profound...or was it just that she didn't run across many women with an interest in that field?  I hope the latter. :.) I get bored very easily and need to keep my mind occupied which probably explains why I'm involved in so many different things at once on an ongoing basis.  This woman was very intelligent and gracious and I would have loved to have talked all afternoon with her.  I don't usually feel that way about most people - the majority of people have a tendency to lose my attention and I just want to move on to someone or something interesting.
As I was getting ready to leave, I could hear the baby fussing in the other room and since I wanted to hold her one more time before leaving, I followed the trail of the cries and found her in the arms of her grandfather.  She was about ready to eat and was fussing from hunger.  I asked him if I could hold her and as I took her in my arms, to my surprise, she instantly became still and quiet and as I rocked her side to side, she began falling asleep again.  She somehow felt secure in my arms or perhaps she just sensed something about me...like I needed her in that moment to feel secure as much as she needed me.  There was something strangely peaceful between us...an understanding.  I had to give her back to her mother and then give Elliott, her four-year-old brother a big hug, as is our ritual.  He told me that I hugged him too tight that time and I explained to him the importance of tight hugs.  Just before I was walking out the door, he came to me for one last hug which I gave a little more gently.  He's my little hug buddy along with a four-year-old girl at another client's house.  They all know that Tish has to get her hugs coming and going and they love giving them.
I'm now at peace with my past mistakes and have come to terms with the realization that even though my past is riddled with remorse and regrets and many things I'm not proud of, I'm still worthy of love - not the kind you find between the sheets...but real love.  I can't rewind my life and erase all the bad actions, leaving only the good but I can forgive myself and not serve a life sentence anymore over them. 
It felt good to hold that baby today....