I haven't blogged in a long time because I've been busy and didn't have anything to write about....but now I do. Bobby is gone and my heart is breaking something fierce. Bobby McKnight was my childhood boyfriend...we went steady all through 5th and 6th grades and then, somehow drifted apart when we entered Junior High. I always thought about him throughout the school years and from time to time would see him here and there but would freeze up and be unable to approach him or talk to him. He was my first "true love". Over the years, he crossed my mind here and there and I would wonder...whatever happened to Bobby McKnight. A couple of years ago, my friend who I played with as a child in our neighborhood found me on Classmates.com and we corresponded and I found out that she was on Myspace, so I added her as a friend (Karen). Karen's brother is married to Bobby's sister, so she had some knowledge as to what was happening with him. I found out that he'd had a hard and trying life and had struggled to be the man that he knew he could be deep down in his soul. Only about 2 1/2 - 3 months ago, I got a phone call from Karen saying that someone wanted my phone number and was it ok to give it to them...my first words were, "Is it Bobby McKnight?" and she answered yes. I was thrilled and told her of course! Two days later, I received a call from him and we began talking every single night at 9:00 - 9:30 as I have free weekday minutes after 9:00...we talked endlessly on the weekends when my minutes were free, as well. We would sometimes talk for two hours but, at least, one to one and a half and began to know each other at a deeper level than two people would if they were in person, as there would be a physical temptation that we didn't have...only the mental and emotional. It wasn't long before he was telling me "I love you" or "Love ya" at the end of the conversation and so I reciprocated because I felt with our past that I probably at some level definitely did "love" him. We told each other that this was forever, whether anything went forward or we just remained close friends...I said "It's forever." and he said "...until we finish each other's sentences." and my heart melted because I don't think I've ever heard anyone say anything so sweet in my entire life.
Soon, he was writing me poems and calling during the day when he knew I couldn't talk just to read them to me, knowing I would listen to his messages. Sometimes, he would call two or three times a day just to hear my voice on the recording and leave me a message...always sweet and sentimental or sometimes just filling me in on his day so far. I found myself looking forward to every night after 9:00 when I would hear the particular ringtone I had assigned to him, "Auld Lang Syne" (I felt it only fitting) and I would rush to the phone for our evening talk. He would say the sweetest things and then say some of the silliest stuff I've ever heard, making me laugh so hard and he loved to hear me giggle, he said. Over the past week or so, he told me that he wanted to go to bed with me and wake up with me, saying in other words, that he wanted to marry me. I told him that I wasn't looking to get married again and he was very let down but hopeful that things might change in the future.
Although it wasn't a very long time, it was quality time that we spent together...only voices across a long distance line...as he had moved back to Amarillo, our hometown, just three months prior. My heart was getting wrapped up in him more than I could have known before today, because I found out this morning that he died yesterday in his sleep. They told me that he was writing something to me on a piece of paper before he died and I've yet to know what it said. He also bought me a ring right after we first started talking and was going to give it to me when he came to visit...but that never happened. So, now he's gone and my heart keeps pounding in my chest and I'm grieving more than I ever thought I could over someone in such a short period of time. I told him that I waited 38 years for him to call me and he said that he thought of me for 38 years. I'm reminded of the saying, 'Don't be sad that it's over but be glad that it happened.'. I have a myriad of emotions racing through my heart and one of them is the feeling of being cheated...cheated out of years to come of long, sweet talks and what might have been...cheated out of getting to know more about this man with a heart of gold who so quickly stole my own. Now, he's gone and all I have are a few short memories of a wonderful man who I will always hold dear in my heart.
Rest in peace, sweet Bobby McKnight and I will see you in eternity.
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