Lessons learned

I don't believe that anyone who comes into your life and plays a major role is by accident. Oh, there may be occasional "passersby", but they're different. Those who spend time with you and change you are there for a reason. It's amazing to me how much Bobby impacted my life in such a short period of time and the things that I learned from him. Equally amazing is the fact that those were the very things that I needed to learn. I've been thinking long and hard for the past two days about what it was that made him so special to me and made such an impact on me in only a couple of months or so. The first thing that came to my mind was how childlike he was...like a boy in a man's body with manly desires but the emotional purity and innocence of a boy. He even told me that he never grew up. He didn't have many relationships as his life was hard and troublesome...an unsettled man who seemed always in the wrong place at the wrong time, so he didn't bring baggage into our talks - just an honest heart which he expressed very openly and held nothing back. In our very first conversation he began telling me all of the bad things about his past and confided secrets that I'm sure not many people knew of, he just seemed to instinctively trust me. Most women would have run away after hearing his confessions so early on, but I stayed...and I'm glad I did. I was intrigued and drawn to him by how unpretentious he was...he was who he was - nothing more, nothing less and he hid nothing from me. Soon into our talks, he mentioned that he had tattoos and I quickly stated that I hated tattoos and his voice instantly saddened, saying that I wasn't going to like him but his next sentence was "But it's not the outside that matters but what's in the heart.". I agreed and that was the beginning of my first lesson. Throughout my life I have always looked for the handsome, well-built man who has everything going for him with little thought of what's in his heart or how he would treat me. It's true that Bobby was the ruggedly handsome type, but over the years he had gotten into many fights - scarred here and there and was also badly burned on one side from his hip down and suffered many things noone should ever have to endure. He felt that now he didn't have much to offer me and called us "Beauty and the Beast". I constantly reassured him that it wasn't true but he never accepted that, instead he continued to believe that I would never want to be with him because of his imperfections and near the end before he died, he kept saying that he knew his feelings for me were stronger than mine were for him. Here was the beginning of my second lesson...to not be afraid to tell someone how you feel about them, how pretty their eyes are or that you love their smile...or that you love them. Bobby never once held back in the expression of his emotions and feelings he was having toward me...he bared his heart and soul, recklessly throwing caution to the wind - much like he lived his life, with no concern of whether or not he would drive me away. Like a trusting child with no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive and no concept of how to play the "relationship games". He was uncomplicated and easy to be with. One day, he was in the middle of leaving a message and for no reason whatsoever, he starts singing the little nursery rhyme 'Mares eat oats and does eat oats...' but had it backwards and started off "Does eat oats and mares eat oats and.......oh, I can't remember the rest." he said. Then, he just continues leaving a regular message. I thought about it, laughing to myself, and had a funny idea of how to really get him...so that night, during our talk, I started singing it to him out of the blue and then he started singing along with me. I stopped him and said, "It's not does eat oats...it's dosey doats and stressed the difference. "No, it's not!" he said but I kept from laughing and acted very serious. After a few minutes, he hollers at his sister in the other room to ask her which it was. I literally busted out laughing so hard when I heard him yell, "Jackie!...is it does eat oats or dosey doats because LaTicia says it's dosey doats." I was cracking up! Another time, referring to the cool Autumn weather, he starts off the message "It's rather nipplish outside....". Later, he chuckled when I made reference to the fact that I had caught that little word. It's

those little things that I'll always remember and laugh about from time to time. Lesson number three - don't be afraid to just be yourself even if you may look silly or a little dumb...enjoy the moment and let it happen. I love to play little tricks and I'm a bit of a prankster but it never bothered him one bit...he took it all in stride and laughed it off. At times, he would leave messages while looking at my Myspace pictures (which he pronounced 'pitchers' with his strong Texas accent) and while listening to a song that had just played from my playlist, would sing the tune but change the words to be something about us or me. Even though he was stumbling around making it up as he went along and the words didn't always make sense or rhyme...he would just laugh at the end and say a sweet goodbye with little concern about how good or bad it sounded. I could go on and on about him and the cute, funny things he said and did and the lessons I will take with me throughout the rest of my life that I learned from him. The funny thing is, is that he didn't even know he was teaching me anything...he was just being Bobby Joe McKnight (aka "The Love Master" and "Deuce Bigelow, the American Gigolo") as he sometimes called himself, teasingly.

I write these things so his sister and his niece can read this and have a little insight into what he was like with me...a side of him they may not have known. I write these things so that men will know what women really want...it's not your money, your fabulous looks or body, your fancy car or wardrobe or your prestige...it's your love and admiration - your heart and soul and for you to simply be yourself...whoever that is. That's what Bobby gave to me.

I believe that God, knowing his time to go was near, gave us as gifts to each other for a little while and I will miss hearing his voice and having that companionship every night but I know in my heart that we will be together again with no more separations.

Herein lie my lessons.