Welcome to My World...edited

My house is in complete disarray right now and I'm slowly losing my mind.  Everything from my kitchen is in my living room, my stove is on my patio, everything from my island room (office) closet is in the middle of the floor and everything in my t.v. room is all piled up out in the middle of the room.  I know it's only temporary but my highly organized and orderly mind is blowing a gasket right about now and even the scented candles and soft music isn't helping to soothe my nerves over this HUGE mess.  To top it off, I had to format my C drive tonight and my idiot computer still isn't working right...in fact, uranidiot is my password and I really don't care who knows it because I have 581 e-mails on aol and counting which I will never, ever read.  So, if you're bored and have nothing better to do...go for it!
I hired a contractor a little over a week ago for an estimate and signed a contract to have the job completed in 14 days because I knew I needed the push but I didn't need a SHOVE for crying out loud.  I wasn't ready to actually start the job yet...I just wanted an estimate - however, I have to say that I'm glad he's really needing the work and pushing me because I work better under pressure as I'm a terrible procrastinator.  So, I'm really feeling it from, not only him, but my painter/sheetrocker, as well.  He has my t.v. room in an upheaval and my poor cats are just looking for any port in the storm for security...a pillow, a petbed (if they can find one) - poor babies!  I just can't wait for it all to be finished and I can have everything in it's exact place again, the way it should be.  I can't stand for things to be out of place and disorganized and my delicate sense of balance and beauty is being highly challenged right now but it's just a bump in the proverbial road and I've survived far worse than this.
Besides that, I have a rat that just won't leave even though I've been diligent about taking up the cat food at night.  He's not only tried to take over my house but he's resorted to eating my house plants and even candles!  How can you survive on candlewax?  And if he can live on my houseplants, then he can live outside in the wild eating bush leaves, berries and acorns.  The squirrels, possums, skunks and raccoons survive not living in my attic, so why can't the rat???  Well, I bought a catch and release trap so I can catch him and I have a loaf of bread to leave with him, as well, when I let him go so he won't go hungry until he finds food.  I figure anything's better than candlewax.  
I forgot to mention that several years back I had a rat who finally left but not before stealing some of my favorite refrigerator magnets...the nice ceramic ones.  He was reaching them from the top of the fridge and carting one off every night.  He actually left teeth marks in the cheeseburger magnet, so I kept that one to show to people who don't believe rats can actually steal refrigerator magnets.  I figure he was taking them to his wife for her mini-fridge in the attic.

Well, ok...I do have to admit that the orange/vanilla and apple/cinammon candles are starting to calm me down a bit.  I've taken a sleeping pill and turned on the electric blanket, so life is looking better already.
My sister and her boyfriend and my other niece and her husband are coming tonight...my Mom told me yesterday that she was going to call Leroy (my niece) to come over tonight after everyone arrived and "take two" to her house - pick two, any two.  She so cracks me up! 
Welcome to my world and be glad it's not yours!
Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

The Newborn

Today, while at a client's house, I had the opportunity to hold her newborn baby girl, just 6 days old and for the first time in years, I didn't feel the sorrow and envy the way I had in the past whenever I was around a baby.  I cradled her tiny body in my arms, almost completely enveloping her and rocked her side to side as I stood talking to her mother...in a matter of only two or three minutes, she was going to sleep.  I felt a peace and a real joy looking at her with her beautiful Phillipino features, talking to her and watching her eyes slowly closing as she was drifting off.  She was absolutely gorgeous with her soft brown skin, full pouty lips and pug nose...I could've just held her all day.
I struck up a conversation with her mother-in-law who was visiting and found that she'd just recently retired from teaching Physics for a University for 27 years.  I apparently dropped a bomb on her when I told her that I liked studying Quantum Mechanics and various natural laws.  She looked at me with amazement and said "Really?!"...yes, really.  Do I just "look" that dumb that I couldn't possibly have an interest in anything so profound...or was it just that she didn't run across many women with an interest in that field?  I hope the latter. :.) I get bored very easily and need to keep my mind occupied which probably explains why I'm involved in so many different things at once on an ongoing basis.  This woman was very intelligent and gracious and I would have loved to have talked all afternoon with her.  I don't usually feel that way about most people - the majority of people have a tendency to lose my attention and I just want to move on to someone or something interesting.
As I was getting ready to leave, I could hear the baby fussing in the other room and since I wanted to hold her one more time before leaving, I followed the trail of the cries and found her in the arms of her grandfather.  She was about ready to eat and was fussing from hunger.  I asked him if I could hold her and as I took her in my arms, to my surprise, she instantly became still and quiet and as I rocked her side to side, she began falling asleep again.  She somehow felt secure in my arms or perhaps she just sensed something about me...like I needed her in that moment to feel secure as much as she needed me.  There was something strangely peaceful between us...an understanding.  I had to give her back to her mother and then give Elliott, her four-year-old brother a big hug, as is our ritual.  He told me that I hugged him too tight that time and I explained to him the importance of tight hugs.  Just before I was walking out the door, he came to me for one last hug which I gave a little more gently.  He's my little hug buddy along with a four-year-old girl at another client's house.  They all know that Tish has to get her hugs coming and going and they love giving them.
I'm now at peace with my past mistakes and have come to terms with the realization that even though my past is riddled with remorse and regrets and many things I'm not proud of, I'm still worthy of love - not the kind you find between the sheets...but real love.  I can't rewind my life and erase all the bad actions, leaving only the good but I can forgive myself and not serve a life sentence anymore over them. 
It felt good to hold that baby today....       
 

My new dating rules...

Since attending the Life-Enrichment Boot Camp a little over a week ago, I've been working very hard on my remaining issues that surfaced once the main one was removed...seems that over the years, I've piled one on top of the other as ongoing negative events occurred in my life and the older ones just pushed further and further down. Now, I tell God every morning "It's You and me...You and me." and He understands exactly what I'm talking about.
Since I'm working so hard on getting me fixed 100%, I feel that I am now ready to begin dating again but taking things very slowly. I've had about a year since ending my last relationship (although we're friends) and I'm really tired of being alone all the time. I would really enjoy having someone to just go Christmas shopping with, to tease and play around with or go to the movies - nothing earth shattering, just companionship. I do however, have ground rules that I'll be following due to my past "baggage" that I'm still dealing with and will adhere to them strictly. If a man has baggage that he hasn't dealt with from his past or past relationships, then keep moving along because if I'm dealing with mine in order to have a great relationship in the future, I expect the same in return. I will, under no circumstances, allow myself to fall into a compromising situation (physically or emotionally) which would bring out my weak side - no "alone" time because that would be very dangerous for me at this point in my healing...also, no "being the one doing all the giving". I will never again be used by another man as long as I live and if I get the feeling it's happening, I will walk away - no explanation necessary. I deserve way better than that. No man will ever lay a hand on me to physically abuse me...I won't walk away, I will RUN away. Once I commit to a relationship, I'm loyal and trustworthy and will leave and never return if the man I'm with isn't. I've been cheated on in the past and it's degrading and leaves permanent scars which I don't need any more of in my life. I won't date anyone under the age of 45 other than just friendship...45 and up should work just fine. :.)  Since I'm the playful, joking type - I wouldn't get along very well or enjoy the company of a man who's overly serious or doesn't know how to laugh at life.  I know there are times to be serious but I don't like them very much - lol.  I won't date a man who doesn't take care of himself - he doesn't have to be a gymrat but I won't be with a couch potato or someone who's very different from me. Since I do take good care of my body and my health, I can't see myself with a man who doesn't. I won't date anyone who hunts, either...it isn't a sport, it's cruel and there would be too many arguments over that to make it worth my time. Anyone who is an atheist, agnostic, Mormon, Jehovah's witness or into any other kind of cult or weird religion is off my list, as well. I won't waste my time with people with whom I would have no common spiritual connection. I almost made that mistake not too long ago but God closed that door.
Speaking of which, my life has been a virtual whirlwind of opened and closed doors lately...not to mention all the strange things that have happened to me lately, as well. It's as if the hand of God is painting the canvas of my life with broad brush strokes and planning to fill in the details later. I believe in signs and dreams and although I'm not always looking for a sign, I stay aware of my surroundings and events that take place. I think over the years, I've fine-tuned my gift of discernment that I feel I have and am more aware than most people of how others are feeling and what they're thinking...almost a type of intuition that has recently spilled over into the area of occurrences. It's all very strange.
As far as the dating goes - I'm not concerned about the quantity but the quality. I can afford my own dinners, movies and entertainment, so going out on alot of dates doesn't hold any interest for me...a gentleman with heart and depth does. Someone very dear to me told me not long ago, "It's the heart." and I understood completely what he meant. It's what's in the heart that matters most. I can't be with someone who isn't compassionate, kind and caring. I'm a very passionate lady also, which is why I'm working hard on harnessing that part of me until I'm with the right man and the time is right. I will make love to him with my heart first and I will know when that moment happens...then, and only then will he experience the best sex ever! Oh, I just had to lighten this blog up a bit. ;. J Hey, I didn't say I was going to become a nun for crying out loud - just a worthy, respectable, free, worthwhile woman!

Just for the record, I wrote this blog for ME...so that I don't forget, get confused about or have any questions regarding my ground rules.  If I think of any more, then I'll post an amendment blog.  :.)

My Singsnap Profile

I now have my own Singsnap profile with my recordings and here's the link for all you brave souls - ha!  I'll be adding more as I find the time...like I've mentioned before, I'm not very good but I love to sing, so hopefully in time, I'll improve - :.).
http://www.singsnap.com/snap/profile/overview/ab1452bc

My crazy family and Thanksgiving dinner...

It seems that not a single get-together of any kind - whether it's a Holiday dinner or poker night can occur without absolute hilarity in my family! Well, this Thanksgiving dinner wasn't any different...except strange might be a good descriptive word. First of all, we are eating on the Texas Hold 'Em poker table which seats six covered with a plastic cover and a sheet...second of all, we spend the first 10 minutes passing around dishes until our food gets cold (most of which I didn't even want any of)...and third of all, we had enough food to feed 2 blocks on my Mother's street for only six people.

By the way, my "special" cornbread was fierce! Oh, that was the first craziness of the day...it took four of us to prepare it. I'm following Charlie's directions, Diva's waiting with a spoon to mix it all together, I'm trying to break into the cheese package which required a secret code, Mom's kibitzing on the side, Leroy's lubing up the pan and finally I'm able to pour the batter while Mom keeps banging the pan on the table to level it. Ingredients: made from scratch mix, 1 can of cream corn, 3 diced jalapenos and about a pound of fancy grated "Mexican" cheese. Not only was it the moistest (is that a word?) cornbread I've ever had, but the best tasting!

Ok, back to my story. So we finish passing bowls and then suddenly Leroy says "I don't have any room for the MEAT!" We all look down and sure nuff (now that's just plain country), she doesn't! Her plate's so piled up with everything from mashed taters (country again) to sweet taters (ditto) to green beans, stuffing, something weird Charlie made and rolls (you thought I was gonna say collard greens and fat back, didn't ya) that she didn't even have room for the main course - turkey and ham! She then adds "...and I'm not even hungry!" I look down the table at her plate and lost it! I'm now laughing hysterically which sets Leroy off because we just fuel each other's fire when it comes to laughing...now everyone else is busting out laughing all because Leroy's a pig! Now, this can't just last a minute or two...nooooo, because, like I said before, we fuel each other's fire - so we're carrying on for about 10 minutes (food's completely cold by now). Finally, we start to actually EAT Thanksgiving dinner. Well, it wasn't long before food's flying and someone's getting their elbows in it which sets off another bout of hysteria from myself and Leroy...Tila Tequila and Diva join in, as well. I did something that had Diva laughing for about another 10 minutes and then come some of the old familiar topics mixed with a few new ones which seem to be unable to refrain from rearing their ugly heads at any "social gathering" - e.g. belches, farts, a thing growing in Diva's ear which she wanted everyone to feel, hemorroids, something about a boil on someone's butt and a pimple on Charlie's, pubic hair pins which we decided should be called poobie pins, pubic hair accessories (that was my idea), Mom explaining to Diva (who's 17) the difference between bobbie pins and hair pins to which I added that she needed to add hat pins and safety pins, something about mutton chops, Elvis sideburns, nose hair, using facial hair as earmuffs and something about a werewolf. Seems we have a hair thing going for some odd reason. 

It was a laugh out loud Thanksgiving dinner and I wouldn't have it any other way!  I hope everyone had a warm and happy Thanksgiving!  Good night, Gracie..........

Feeding the homeless at Christmastime

With Christmas upon us, I wanted to take the time to invite any of my local friends to come and help us with the Big Heart Ministries homeless feeding on Christmas Day. Every year, I volunteer on Thanksgiving and Christmas to help feed the vast number of homeless people who live in and around the downtown area the Holiday dinners so that they will feel loved and get to have a meal with all the trimmings just like the rest of us. Don Hart and his family have been doing ministry with the homeless for over 20 years, feeding and clothing them and helping them to find jobs and homes...he's a selfless, giving and extremely generous and passionate man for helping the poor and downtrodden. I felt called to help many years ago when I heard them extend an invitation over the air in their radio broadcast but they haven't had the funds for that program in several years. They've had hard times financially, theft, equipment problems and a constant battle with the City of Dallas to keep the ministry going.

I feel very strongly about all those involved and it always feels like I'm going "home" when I walk down the long sidewalk to the big open area in front of City Hall and see the tent awnings and trailers with all the familiar faces from the years before busily cooking turkeys and hams, preparing the veggies and breads, serving coffee to the homeless, setting up the many tables and chairs and assorting the clothes at the used clothing tables. At Christmastime, several ladies are also busy wrapping any unwrapped presents that were brought in. It's a festive, happy time with volunteers donning Christmas sweaters and Santa hats, scurrying about like Church mice, while others are arriving with sackfuls of clothing or carrying armfuls of pies and rolls.  A large flatbed trailer is loaded with presents and used as a makeshift stage with large speakers playing Christmas music as people pass by singing and humming along.  The homeless people are standing in the distance in the sun or seated (some lying) on the benches along the sidewalk with their blankets and backpacks while others are making their way down the streets and alleyways, smoking their cigarettes and talking amongst themselves...many of them have been friends on the streets for many years. They are extremely polite and helpful, always offering to lend a hand with carrying bags from the cars and then returning to their rightful places.

It's a time for giving and hoping for nothing in return and you realize how warm and rewarding that feeling is when it's all over with. I always leave with a sense of gratitude for what I have no matter how meager it may be and feeling like I'm so very blessed to have what I have. I don't have a big house or fancy car but when I'm driving away in my car, going home to my house...I have a feeling of just how fortunate I truly am. Not only that, the feeling I have in my heart is hard to describe as I'm slowly driving away watching the homeless, now full and carrying their presents and belongings, walking back into the streets and alleyways...it's a strange mixture of happiness and sadness. But I never leave without a renewed feeling of thankfulness to God and a pure joy in my heart.

This Christmas Day will be no different than all the others, thank God...downtown City Hall and the poor and unfortunate. If anyone would like to have the experience of serving the homeless people this Christmas, then please come. Most volunteers begin arriving at 8:30 - 9:00 a.m.  The event is usually overwith by around noon, so there's still plenty of time for your own family but you can feel free to leave whenever you want. 

Do it for yourself...you'll be blessed.  :.)

Life-Enrichment Boot Camp

As I reflect upon the past several days that I was in the Life-Enrichment Boot Camp, I first get a warm and fuzzy feeling and then tears fill my eyes. I have such a mixture of emotions (some good, some bad) from all the hours of dealing with my past issues and watching and listening to others deal with theirs. I found that I could love total strangers fully and unconditionally in only a matter of a day or two. I learned that people are vulnerable and their hearts are tender even when they have up walls and pretend that they're cold and hard. I learned more about my inner self in four days than I ever thought possible and found that I have more strength than I could have imagined to conquer my demons, break down walls that I spent years and years building up, lay past memories and sins to rest and overcome my own self destructive behavior of unforgiveness.
My past is greatly jaded and I felt that noone in that boot camp came even close to what I have experienced and lived through and I felt secluded in a way...like a lone black sheep with a darkened veil over most every aspect of my life. And as I sit here (on this cool looking bamboo chair) typing this, I know that most likely that was very true - but that it didn't matter in the end because every person in that room became a "friend" to me and I left that boot camp "loving" each and every one of them. I saw people have meltdowns and become emotionally broken as a pathway to their healing...myself - it was a full blown panic attack as I struggled to forgive myself of a past sin so great that I spent 32 years reliving and refusing to forgive myself for. In the end, forgiveness won and I walked away a free woman...not perfect by any means, but a much more whole person than when I first walked through those doors.
I laughed hysterically, shed a few tears here and there, cried uncontrollably and loved deeply. I hugged more in four days than I probably have in twenty years, was told how beautiful I was (as a person) with complete and utter genuiness and connected with people on an inner level, overlooking the outward appearance, flaws and imperfections...being forced to look deeply into their eyes and see their hearts and souls. I felt the loving touch of people I will never see again in this lifetime but will see in Heaven and most importantly, I gave my own love in return to them.
I was given the gift of a fleeting glimpse into the lives of people (especially three very special people in my small group) and their baggage and damage from years gone by as we, one by one, opened up and we shared from the deepest parts of our hearts and souls with each other........reluctantly, yet openly. I saw grown men, who most likely thought it wasn't cool or manly to cry, break down and become transparent, vulnerable and real as tears streamed down their cheeks and they poured their hearts out to a roomful of strangers who quickly became their most loving, nonjudgmental friends.
It's very hard to describe this experience in words mainly because everything I went through was on a "heart" level and you just can't describe some heart feelings. I know for a fact that I love all those people, some more than others who I was closely involved with, but I drove away that final night with a feeling of love for everyone there and also a feeling of closure for something that has haunted me for many, many years. I have nothing but unconditional love for everyone involved and extreme gratitude...I could never thank those people enough who made the boot camp possible. It was truly a life-changing experience and a time I will never forget as long as I live.
One person in particular made it possible, not only for me to go, but for me to "break the mirror" - a story he's yet to know - maybe one day I can share it with him and he can share his "angel story" with me.
He's my hero and I love him very much.